The John Terry conspiracy

In an astonishing twist it has emerged that instead of over the top prejudices against everything John Terry, genuine foul play has taken place. All images from Chelsea’s victorious night in Munich have been edited by a team of PR professionals working for Terry and funded by the man himself via revenue from his various drug enterprises and scrap metal stolen from the limbs of disabled orphans.

The fake: In this image John Terry is not only shinpadless but suspended teamamte Meireles also appears to be wearing his kit too?

This image is clearly a fake so a forensics team has helped restore the image to its original state to show what really happened on the night. The pre-fondled image is below:

There are several things to point out here. Firstly that which many have already picked-up on. Not only is Terry the only non-playing member of the squad that night wearing his kit, BUT he has indeed gone to the ridiculous lengths of wearing his shin-pads too. What. A. Fraud. Worse still as the image shows the name Helmut is clearly visible through the socks. I’ve been in touch with the local Munich authorities and Helmut is a local blind child who reported his shin-pads missing on Saturday afternoon. Sickening.

We can see humble Portugeezer Raul Meireles who also missed the final due to a less scummy suspension has not only gone for the classic glasses, big nose and tash combo to conceal his identity, but, has also donned a little bo beep outfit to make a statement to Europe that he is not worthy of his prize.

Finally, and most illegally of the lot, Terry is clearly seen to have cut a hole in his shorts to enable him to urinate on non-caucasian Malouda and a non-caucasian delegate. Terry’s representatives alert us today that the splash-back on to Ashley Cole was accidental, yet has been described as, “an act of god” in the Terry camp.

Terry’s photo-faking PR company even got a bit cocky at the request of John himself and photoshopped youngster Todd Kane into the celebration shots. Despite the crucial part played in getting Chelsea to the final Kane didn’t actually appear in the final itself. Nevertheless he was thrown in the pics along with the likes of Ivanovic, Meireles and Sturridge, all of whom had kits and smiles photoshopped on. Sources at the Allianz Arena in fact state that the non-playing members of the squad actually spent the final in a darkened changing room listening to Roy Orbison’s dark number ‘In the Real World’.

That is of course apart from John Terry. When will it end? Certainly not at the point of refusing to look grumpy at Chelsea winning the thing. Who is this guy? The club’s longest-serving player? Club-captain for over 400 games? A life-long fan of the club? Animal!

Champions League Review 2011/2012

England and group D

It’s been eight years since the Euros buzz hit England thanks to that wet Wembley loss against Croatia where Steve McClaren joined Rihanna in the umbrella hall of fame. It feels very good to be back in the mix, Euro 2008 was a great tournament with quite a refreshing slant of neutrality but given the choice you’d always rather your country was in the mix, just in case they do a Greece/Denmark. This time it seems England are lacking any expectation what so ever, at last. Their group could have been a lot worse (group B), whilst it could have been a bit kinder too (group A). Instead England were drawn with France and then like Lee Cattermole picked up two yellows, Sweden and hosts Ukraine.

The build-up has been anything but smooth, a new manager, a suspended Rooney, no Wilshere, the lingering Terry situation, a Gerrard who seems to dodge Liverpool wins, mass debate over the strikers with no runaway options. Joe Hart seems to be one of the few rays of light. Not since David Seaman have England seemingly been so relaxed over its keeper.

Here’s a little look at some of the issues facing the side and a brief look at who England will be facing:

Team Issues:

The manager: 

I’ve heard and read a lot about Hodgson lately since the FA approached then hired him and one thing which has cropped up is his reputation for a 4-4-2. When Fulham made a remarkable run into the Europa Cup final Zoltan Gera played off Zamora as an attacking midfielder with license to roam a bit, link play and swap with the very forward thinking Dempsey at times. It was more a 4-4-1-1 which easily morphs into 4-2-3-1 in attack. At Liverpool Torres was a loan striker at least as often as he had a partner. Whilst at West Brom we’ve seen Odemwingie employed as a winger at times this season with Marc-Antoine Fortune as the target man. Recently the side has reverted back to more of a 4-4-2 with Shane Long back to fitness but he’s been flexible, the personnel available to him seemingly deciding what he goes for. With England Hodgson will have an abundance of choices available to him, at least in terms of quantity.

The only reputation I think is fair for him is his rigid and organised defensive set-ups. The amount of clean sheets West Brom are eeking out lately is a far cry from that of past West Brom managers. His philosophy has had a season to bed in there and with his hand-picked personnel to implement his ideas their clean sheet record lately is nothing short of remarkable for a West Brom side. The pinnacle was probably the clean sheet against Man City where they squeezed the creativity and space out of vastly superior players. It wasn’t like Sunderland’s smash and grab v Man City (the Jiiiiiiiiiiiiii game) where Dzeko and co spurned several good opportunities, in this game Man City were limited to pop-shots with anything clear-cut snuffed out at source.

Similarly at Fulham the side became quite adept at keeping both possession and clean-sheets. In 08/09 when Fulham got their 7th place finish to qualify for the Europa League which they so nearly won Schwarzer conceded less than a goal a game over the season. Back then this was with an unknown Hangeland, Aaron Hughes who was maybe unfairly known as part of some calamitous Newcastle defences, Konchesky from West Ham and Chris Baird from relegated Southampton.

A very interesting aspect of Hodgson’s time at Fulham was his taming of the beast that is Clint Dempsey. In two words and less than five seconds name Clint Dempsey’s position? Exactly. Dempsey was actually often a sub during Fulham’s famous Europa League run. More natural wide men Duff and Davies were starters, whilst Gera was the link man between midfield and Zamora. Instead of shoe-horning arguably better individuals into a position Hodgson seems to prefer a natural winger/playmaker/striker to do the job, with unit/system trumping the individuals. As an England manager this could be what many have been crying out for. Saying that he played Daniel Agger at left back and Raul Meireles wide right so who knows…

He got Switzerland to 3rd in the FIFA rankings. Sold!

The most irreplaceable player needs to be replaced:

Watching Manchester United lately is a painful experience as it’s a constant reminder that Rooney booted that Montenegrin. The debate over who should replace him is kind of the issue. He’s head and shoulders above any other English striker. He’s also arguably England’s only world-class player these days with the ageing of the ‘golden generation,’ what ever world-class actually means. I sometimes have dreams that Daniel Sturridge was the one who kicked that Montenegrin, in one dream it was Heskey and UEFA banned him for life. These dreams will likely happen until June 11th, still very much in denial. It’s a great opportunity for others to try to fill the void but it’s just not the same. WHY WAYNE? WHHHHHHHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Centre back dilemmas:

Aside from making Andy Carroll look like Romario at one point in the FA Cup final, and then getting nutmegged for 45 minutes three days later John Terry has been in largely vintage form this season. Meanwhile Rio Ferdinand has crucially stayed fit for a prolonged period to slightly soften the blow of an injured Vidic. Given his class and experience prolonged fitness is often the only factor to whether Ferdinand makes the national side, even now. The problem here of course is the grey cunt in the room. Yep, the elephant that is the Terry racism case with Rio’s brother Anton. On form they arguably both deserve a place, but will it do more harm than good?

Joleon Lescott has been a rock alongside Vincent Kompany since the turn of the year, he’s even taken time out to polish Stefan Savic’s turds (the much maligned Savic possesses  the best win ratio in the Premier league). On merit, including a colossal rope-a-dope performance in the friendly win over Spain recently, Lescott probably deserves a place in the side. The issue here being he’s a very left-sided centre back. Put him alongside Terry and you have the problem England faced against Germany in South Africa, with the left-sided centre back Upson alongside John Terry who of his 500+ games for Chelsea I’d hazard a guess that at least 450 of them have been on the left of his partner. So much so that David Luiz, a traditionally left-sided centre back himself,  is always made to play on the right when alongside Terry. At his club Lescott has Kompany so it’s never an issue. For England it does put a little question mark over the Terry and Lescott partnership.

All the alternatives to this trio have their own issues too with lack of big game experience (Jagielka), injury (Dawson), questionable showings in past friendlies (Smalling), questionable club form (Cahill), lack of games this season (Phil Playstation Jones). You sense this tournament may be one tournament too early for the latter three names there at least.    You never know what Hodgson has in mind but my money is on Lescott and the old guard being slightly ahead of this quintet.

Possible starting XI: Hart, Walker, Lescott, Terry, Cole, Parker, Barry, Gerrard, Walcott, Young, Welbeck. (supersub: Oxlade-Chamberlain).

Opponents:

Game 1 – France.

Just as Thierry Henry and Anelka passed their sell by dates recently Karim Benzema has ripened into a genuinely elite striker of European football. His goal helped set France on their way to victory when the two sides last met in a friendly just over a year ago. In reality the 2-1 scoreline was incredibly kind on England who were toyed with at times by the French. England did at least have an excuse that day with a few debutants starting and several big players missing but it still doesn’t hide the fact the French looked a very talented side despite being in the infancy of Blanc’s reign at the time.

Benzema’s spot in the side looks pretty straight-forward, it’s the band of three behind him which looks very much up for grabs. Maybe it’s not quite an embarrassment of riches but it’s not too far off, let’s call it a faux pas of ooh la la. They’ve got a resurgent Ribery, a title-winning (?) Nasri, the goalscoring Remy, the pocket-playmaker Valbuena, the exciting Menez and the rather stagnating pair of Malouda and Gourcuff.

Importantly they appear to have a manager whose standing in European and French football, especially the modern game, has everyone on side. No repeats of the sometimes farcical scenes in South Africa look possible under Blanc. There’s a real freshness and hunger in the French side now with the last of the old-guard having been flushed out like an ego enema. There’s a real unpredictability to this side which for me makes them dark horses who could trouble the big three of Spain, Germany and the Netherlands in one-off games. Against England, a side without Rooney for starters, a win is not just possible, I fear it’s more likely than not.

Possible starting XI: Lloris, Debuchy, Rami, Mexes, Evra, M’Vila, Cabaye, Ribery, Nasri, Remy, Benzema. (supersub: Ben Arfa).

Game 2 – Sweden.

Despite being English I almost wouldn’t mind England losing 3-0 to an Ibrahimovic hattrick just to put to bed possibly the harshest of reputations for AC Milan’s big balletic pirate. He’s no doubt the danger man but he’ll be surrounded by some very selfless, intelligent and technically gifted players. We know of several of their players from their time in the Premier League whilst Kallstrom joins Ibrahimovic as well-known from the Champions League stage. There is still a lot of mystery surrounding this side though in how they’ll gel. An undoubtedly over-generalised stereotype in my mind is the Scandinavian teams gel quite well whether it be from good management or a lack of dangerous egos. Maybe it’s just a trap I fell into as a kid of “I haven’t heard of many of these players therefore they can’t be very good. Oh! They’ve done well, they must have good team spirit.” Oh god it is that. Moving on…

Daniel Eriksson of FourFourtwo Sweden paints a positive picture of the state of the side going into this tournament. He states, “After failing to qualify for the last World Cup, the expectation for Euro 2012 is huge in Sweden. The new coach Erik Hamren has been a breath of fresh air and the team spirit seems to be better than ever.” The way Sweden clinched qualification with a thrilling 3-2 win over the Netherlands is no doubt a big part of this optimism.

There’s every chance England will have to get a win from this game. They snuck a 1-0 win in the recent Wembley friendly with quite a mixed side, yet whilst Sweden’s XI that day looked quite similar to the one you’d expect in Kiev you can’t really compare a friendly at Wembley sandwiched between important club games to an intense European Championship game on neutral turf. I think England can take three points here but I certainly wouldn’t bet on it, especially with no Rooney to expose who ever fills in for the injured Majstorovic.

Possible starting XI: Isaksson, Lustig, Mellberg, Jonas Olsson, Martin Olsson, Svensson, Kallstrom, Toivonen, Ibrahimovic, S.Larsson, Elmander. (supersub: John Guidetti).

Game 3 – Ukraine.

The pesky hosts, by far the unknown quantity of the group to the untrained English eye. Shevchenko still features as does Yarmolenko who was half-decent in the U21 Euros last summer. He’s now stepped up to the senior side but the big question mark over him and presumably others in the side will be is home advantage enough substitute for a couple of years of no competitive matches. They’ve had some humdinger friendlies in the last year against Uruguay, Germany and most recently Israel but it’s just not the same as the real thing.

In terms of team set-up Dmytro Dzhulai a commentator for Setanta Eurasia and a man whose name is definitely Ukranian enough for my liking explains, “tactically the team is at its best sitting back and hitting on the counter.”

..

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… sorry was just shivering in the corner after flashbacks of the German counter-attacks in South Africa. The description of Dzhulai certainly fits the personnel of wingers Yarmolenko and Konoplyanka who have pace and youth on their side. If selected Kyle Usain Walker and the disciplined Parker could be called upon here.

Up front Shevchenko is widely tipped to hold on to his starting place and whilst he may have left his explosiveness in the San Siro he still knows exactly where the goal is and is surrounded by the dynamism he now lacks. He’s currently shaking off a niggling thigh problem but expects to be fit in time for his international swan song. Motivation should be no issue given the circumstances.

Possible starting XI: Pyatov, Butko, Rakitskiy, Kucher, Selin, Tymoschuk, Yarmolenko, Aliyev, Konoplyanka, Shevchenko, Milevskiy. (supersub: Serhiy Nazarenko).

Verdict: France to win the group. On paper the Sweden v England game to decide the other qualifier but you just never know what the host nation has up their sleeve.

Forward Thinking message

image: gettyimages

There will be no more forward thinking this season.

Had mentioned a the start of the season that three ten-week games were planned but the last one like a drunken mistake is being hastily aborted. It wasn’t so much the time it took up, more the commitment to be  at home with my computer and the spreadsheets and files at specific times. With the glorious spring approaching the inner Charlie Sheen is itching to get out, making such weekly commitments a risk.

In addition I’m in great danger on being sacked from my own FPL team as it slides towards the dreaded six-figure-rank-ville.

Hope those who played enjoyed the game.

Forward Thinking game two closing ceremony

Congratulations to N.Jackman and his team The Hunnish Horde. The winning score of 555 was far too good in the end, 60 points ahead of 2nd place and a pretty hefty 130 ahead of 3rd place.

The full final table is here.

Completing the top three were J. Drummond, who pushed N. Jackman all the way to the wire, and debutant O.Jones.

The highest weekly score was shared between N. Jackman, O. Jones and J. Drummond with 135 points. This was also the highest score from one player courtesy of a Berbatov hattrick.

K. Khatib and B. Rhodes picked the goalscorer with the highest multiplier, they both had Fulham’s Orlando Sa for his 65 point goal v Norwich.

Now for the overall table, taking into account the first ten week game of the season too.

N. Jackman completed a double by taking the overall title too. His final day 75 was enough to rise from third to first. The 900 point total works out as an average of 45 points per week which is essentially a goal or two every single week, very impressive indeed.

The winning prize for the ten week game is this *signed picture of Hull City’s Richard Garcia. As the winner also went on to take the overall crown I asked Garcia if he could kindly add a little message too to enhance the prize even more. The winner is now free to copy it and print it on his own computer. Once again please can other people refrain from copying it, guilt is a cruel mistress.

*Prize may not be official

FT – Results week 2.10

It went right down to the wire between N.Jackman and J.Drummond with just 5 points the difference going into the final week. On top of that both went for Balotelli + a Newcastle striker + a Chelsea striker. In the end N. Jackman chose right to finished in style with a full house of scorers to take the title.

Top scorer for the week was T. Smith who got a very handy late boost into the top 10.

J.Drummond had to contend with second place in the end with a late Grant Holt strike securing third place for O.Jones.

46 years of hurt

June 2012, Poland & Ukraine, the quest begins. I know England can win, but do you?

Try this on for size and tell me you still don’t believe

FA Cup forward thinking results

At half-time in the final tie of the round at Anfield just six strikers had scored making it very slim-pickings all round. To put it in perspective that tally of six was matched by defenders and own-goals. Then however in the second half Andy Carroll popped-up and slammed home a perfect cut-back by Downing. As well as killing off the match the goal also proved decisive here.

Carroll’s goal helped Demi breakaway from the gang of Nugent owners on 40 points and take the title with 65.

The big what if moment looked to be when Crawley Town’s Tyrone Barnett had his goal-bound effort cleared off the line by the outstretched arm of Stoke’s Danny Collins.

Congratulations to Demi, and thanks all for playing.

* = subbed out player

Milkshakes > Handshakes

The big talking point all weekend has undoubtedly been the handshake. A handshake. Yes a handshake. We had it two years ago with Terry and Bridge and we’ve had it again now. Here’s a clip from Match of the day (MOTD) titled analysis http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/17000395 (1:15 in).

Those pesky ex-pros on MOTD who can’t recite the autobiography of Hatem Ben Arfa on demand have undoubtedly left us short-changed here so here’s some more detailed analysis of the events to make everyone happy:

Dalglish sent the team out for the shake in a 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 eel formation to counter the threat of Man Utd’s earthworm. There was some debate pre-game whether Downing would be used as an inverted shaker but in the end he just went in with his right. For Utd Michael Carrick retained the holding role, after a few seconds however he appeared a little embarrassed and for fear of holding up the line eventually let go of Suarez’s hand. The shake-off eventually ended eight and a half all with Liverpool winning on away shakes. The away team has still failed to be beaten in any game of pre-match pleasantries. The closest an encounter came to a home win was in BATE Borisov’s European qualifier with Fulham. BATE’s mascot Oleg the Octopus managed to give them a massive early lead only to be foiled at the death by the eight guests of honour for the match (all returning amputees from the Iraq war). It’s still lauded as the Istanbul of pre-match pleasantries.

Back to reality.

A good litmus test for handshakegate was the lack of airtime Wayne Rooney’s double got as a result. If there’s one thing MOTD do love  it’s Wayne Rooney, rightly or wrongly he has received some monstrous portions of verbal semen from the crew over the years. This time however thanks to the handshake we barely heard of his match-winning efforts. I wanted to watch more of his subtle movement, anticipation and clinical finishing for both of the goals, there was barely a recap on either goal. This is ROONEEEEEYYYYYYYY we’re talking about.

Not going to bother getting into the real issue at the heart of the shake, or the tribalism which has feasted on this open wound, it’s all been done to death. I’m more interested in the actual football. How about Liverpool being one place and four points above Norwich twenty-five games into the season? Yes a loss at Old Trafford is almost expected and Norwich and Paul lambert are doing incredible things thus far, but it’s still the only issue I care about, the actual football. That’s another thing actually, I’d have loved to sit through more air time of Lambert’s achievements so far. Players plucked from the Championship and League one blended together carefully into a top half side after back-to-back promotions.

The Suarez-Evra stuff is becoming an amazing distraction for Dalglish and possibly fans too. It’s something to talk about, topical alcohol to get away from the fear that maybe they aren’t an under-performing side just waiting to click; but actually a side exactly where they should be, despite Arsenal and Chelsea holding the door wide open. Big signings not contributing what they were surely signed to do, ironically the budget additions in Enrique, Adam and Bellamy have looked real assets. The inflationary power of the burgundy passport in full flow. Anyway, this is another debate, but it’s one I’d rather watch, hear and read about than a handshake. Sure, it’ll only be a one off thing in the aftermath of the Utd Liverpool match but still, it took over from the actual football. A token gesture and a captain of a side who has just won a big match to go top of the table (and been wound-up pre-match) being a bit of a scamp with his own fans. I thought it was actually quite funny, maybe it wasn’t, I’m not sure, was more interested in the match.

FT – Results week 2.9

Some big scores this week with Rooney starting things off with a 60 point brace and Odemwingie closing the week with a 90 point hattrick.

Top scorer of the week was GoonerDave with a 115 pointer with all his strikers chipping in.

The other player with all his strikers scoring was J.Drummond who after going an ominous 105 points behind the leader when Rooney scored his brace on Saturday afternoon was dragged right back into contention thanks to 100 unanswered points in the rest of the weekend. He and N.Jackman are once again fighting it out at the top going into the finale. They both have a bit of a gap at the top now but a mention must also go to BJ.Rhodes whose 110 points just from Louis Saha serves as a reminder to the scores of offer if you strike gold.

Next week is an FA Cup weekend and after a suggestion there will be a one-off special FA Cup game. It will essentially be a one-week shoot-out which will be separate to this game. To spice it up even more you will get the chance to pick a captain and a sub. Like in FPL the captain will score double and the sub will only come in if one of your strikers plays zero minutes. Full details when the list comes out in a couple of days, will need to swat up on Crawley Town in the meantime.